Sunday, February 7, 2010

Boys on the Side - mmmmmmm

My name is Frankie and I am a 40 something woman, going through a divorce. I have had my ups and downs about this relationship for 10 years. The divorce process has been heart wrenching but for me, it was the marriage that was the hard part.

My soon to be EX and I shared a love and passion that I am very grateful for. Mostly because something powerful inside of me experienced an awakening. The problem was that I made my marriage the main course of my life. It literally became a heavy helping of meat and potatoes every night.

I shifted my focus from the thriving career I had worked so hard for as a filmmaker and marketing consultant. I got married, had a baby and made that my entire life. Was that a bad thing? For me, it wasn't a match for the true expression of who I really was. It became a daily lie to myself. A white lie that saved all of our feelings because I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t who my husband married. Even though he wanted a family, he also wanted the sexy career woman that I was when we met. So did I. Things got complicated, chaotic and downright crazy. "Be that amazing woman!" we both yearned. "No, if she comes back we're in trouble!" he replied. I got into agreement with him.

Since I moved out months ago, I haven’t had a meal with meat and potatoes. The first thing I did was give myself permission to want what I want. We often don’t let ourselves go there because we figure we can’t have it - so now I do indulge in french fries from time to time. :)

Interestingly enough, there are many times where I am so thrilled with what’s going on in my work, my art, seeing friends or hanging out with my daughters that I sometimes forget to eat. I am producing projects again, a documentary, a cd recording, tv pilot presentations. My day job is at Warner Bros. Studio. I love it there. I write and perform my poetry at art events. My two beautiful daughters and I hang out, talk freely, create new ideas together and laugh. We all cried so much when we put our dog Daisy down earlier this week after 13 great years.

Weight of responsibility is literally falling off of me. My life is full of things that I love. I can give my full attention to all of me now that the space hog (turned H1N1) of my marriage is gone.

Details of my breakup may eventually come up in future blogs. The point is that I am in love with what I love in life. I am light and satisfied. I am a 3-dimensional woman, a writer, a friend, a film producer a mother to 2 beautiful daughters. I am a great lover-to-be with someone in my future that I can dip into, swirl around and cover myself with. A beautiful person that I can pour over the freedom and excitement of me. The much desired topping, warm, decadent, delicious on the side.

6 comments:

  1. Humm, I remmber the Virgina Slims girl in the promotional commerials on television. "She was the woman who was supposed to have it AlL"!, and if i recall correctly every woman who smoked them dam cigerts was gonna have it all too - dam it!. Frnk - loving and losing is a very hard thing to do it is compounded when children are involved (i am sure you know this) keep fighting to be the best frnk - because there is only one. I for one Love the artsy frnk.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You know what you want and you are following your heart. Welcome back home to yourself! :-)
    -- Anne

    ReplyDelete
  3. Baby steps will lead to leaps and bounds. Just make sure you're standing on solid ground.

    ReplyDelete
  4. So many of us have been through the ugly valley of divorce, but you are strong, and with your determination you will end up on top of the mountain, controlling your own destiny...unleashing once again, the talented vibrant woman you are meant to be!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I work with Frankie and I have to say she simply looks vivid, full of light and bliss, and above all she is a more positive woman than she was when I met her. I am so happy for you!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ever since I've known you, your determination to find the true core of your being, to be the person who God intended you to be, has always inspired me. I'm so proud to call you my friend.

    ReplyDelete