I want you all to know that I am just putting it all out there and not apologizing. I invite each of you to post your comments on this blog, say whatever it is you want to say. No more white lies.
I am going to talk about the “other woman” in my former marriage. As I write this, I realize that he had her around long before we even got married and just continued to carry on with her. Hindsight is 20/20, yes? (I hate clichés but some are just true and necessary.)
There was no way that I could compete with her. He self- medicated himself with her for such a long time and if I ever said anything to get her out of our lives, he became angry, said that I was trying to control him.
Recently he said that he never meant to hurt me. It was a sincere apology that I accepted. He said he didn’t want to lose his family and for a minute, I wondered to myself if it could actually work. I turned down 4 date offers in the past few months, knowing that I would know when I was ready.
This past week I put my dog Daisy down. I know I’ve talked about it before and I may talk about her for a long time. I love her like my baby that grew old but always stayed a child.
I understand now, that the reason dogs are childlike is because they love us unconditionally and every second is right now and they keep us in the present moment always in a state of love. Even though we take care of them, they also have the ability to take care of us, to lay their lives down for us at any given moment, selflessly. Who wants to let that go? I didn't.
Superbowl Sunday and my EX is with his lover. She may have come in a dark bottle, or maybe a clear one that he’ll put a twist of lemon on the ridge, sprinkle with salt. Did he put her in a beautiful glass over ice? He cannot call about our daughter, or see if I’m feeing better about Daisy today. His lover has him, on our couch, she kisses him on the side of his mouth with the crooked tooth. She is velvet on his lips, soothing down his throat.
I am ready to go on that date now. Maybe it’ll be after the day job has ended. Maybe I can take someone to the upcoming blockbuster romantic comedy on the WB lot before it hits theaters this Valentine’s Day. Will the men who asked me out take another chance? It will be great to have arms around me, light with no baggage of the past, to have someone look at me with no resentments.
When I was married, I met someone through a work situation, that one night, I dreamed of kissing. I dismissed it, until now, because neither one of us was available back then. My soul is open to that powerful energy and other things unknown. My Daisy dog lives on in the lesson in that all I have is right now, this moment, the possibility of a real kiss, a state of love for myself and others just because we are alive.